Dec. 20th

I don't know why I have not written. Perhaps it has been to emotionally difficult to think about it - to write about it. Perhaps it was that I didn't want to sound negative. Or - maybe a lack of energy has prevented me from posting.
So here is what I know- Everything seems more difficult and takes longer then it used too, but I have always found the blog to be a therapeutic process and like the idea that others found it useful in being able to stay updated.
It would be impossible to not express some sadness/negativity when posting (sometimes) as we have experienced a great loss.
The lack of energy that I feel is both physical and emotional. There is much stress and there are moments that seem paralyzing. We always get up, it is just after taking time to reflect & re-energize.
Everything that we have been through - diagnosis, treatments, and lose - seems incomprehensible, unimaginable, and unreal. There is no other way to describe what has happened and how we feel about it. We miss Robert all day everyday.
However- we are doing well. We are still surrounded by so many who give to us in every possible way. We carry the good wishes and positive thoughts with us always and are uplifted by the kindness of others.
The boys are doing remarkably well and are my biggest motivators. They are wonderful in their ability to process and deal with reality and live in the moment. They are sensitive, open and honest and I learn from them. They have great memories of Robert and talk about him often.
I could write forever, but I just want to wish everyone a Happy & Healthy Holiday.
Building memories is a blessing - Having memories is a gift.

Aug. 9th

It feels surreal- everything seems surreal. The fact that Robert is no longer physically with us seems unbelievable. It seems impossible and yet I was there through it all. I watched it happen and yet - I can not seem to comprehend it. This phase of the journey is more difficult then I could have imagined. We spend our days trying to function without Robert and it seems wrong. There are no words to express what we are feeling and experiencing.
We are working to get through the darkness and find physical and emotional peace. We are so grateful for the immense amount of support that we have received and know that this is critical to our healing. I will pick myself up. I will properly thank others and find ways to give back. For now - I ask for your patience - during this most difficult time. Love to all - Tammy, Bryce, & Trey

July 24

This morning I sit here and try and mentally prepare myself for the funeral that will take place this afternoon. I know that here is really no possible way to do this and yet I as I always do- want it to be done well. Done well for Robert. The love of my life. The father that loved and took such good care of his boys. The son who was so attentive and loving to his parents and the brother who always enjoyed being with his brother and sister. The friend who was so loyal and considerate. A good guy.
I sit and listen to the music that we have listened to so many times and it now has a new meaning. The music has changed and it is still powerful. We will all hear the music again and find peace. I believe that Robert has found his peace and I know that he will help us to find peace through the lessons that he taught us.
We miss him deeply.
I wanted everyone to know that we will carry your energy with us today. For those who are not physically with us today- know that your thoughts and good wishes are being felt and we are thankful to have you in our lives. The memorial service will be a time to celebrate Robert and the "power of the people". Love to all.

July 21st

Today is the saddest day of our journey and I cannot seem to find the words to tell why. There seems no other way to say it. Robert died early this morning and our hearts are filled with grief and also with some sense of relief that he has now found peace. I know that he is peaceful and believe that we too will find peace again. For all those who loved Robert - there will forever be a place in our hearts that he lives in. He lived well, we had fun, and we are blessed to have had him in our lives for as long as we did.
I thank you again for your support that has helped to carry us through this journey. I thank you for your continued support as we strive to find our path through the next phase of this journey. There are so many supporters and it is impossible to reach out to individuals to express our gratitude. Please allow me to say a global thank you through this blog that Robert created to stay connected to you. We are blessed to have you.
Considering Robert's wishes and the large number of family, friends, and supporters it seems logistically challenging to accommodate so many for the funeral service. Therefore, we will have a private graveside service for immediate family members only. In the near future - we will hold a memorial service open to the extended number of friends. Until then - we feel your love and support and will hold it close in our hearts. With Love- Tammy

July 20th

It seems odd, but I am not sure how long robert has been at Gilchrist. The days, hours, and minutes seem to pass without recognition of where we are in time. There seems to be less focus on the global concepts of time and a greater focus on the moments in which we find ourselves in. Planning ahead - even hours ahead seems impossible. Without the initiative that others take - it would be impossible.
While the days seem to blend together, there are certain dates that stick in my mind - as they were moments that we knew signified dramatic changes that would forever change all of our lives. The exact changes and the timing of the changes could not be imagined or determined and I now believe that there is a reason for that. There are so many phases that we pass through during this journey and each one brings about its own set of emotions, challenges, and perspectives, and most importantly lessons. If anyone had to try and experience, face, deal with, and process everything that happens over time it would be an overwhelming emotion and sense of loss - that it would knock them down to the ground and keep them down. I believe that we are created with defense mechanisms that only allow us to process and take on as much as we can handle. There is a reason why - when given the diagnosis of Glioblastoma Multiforme Gr. 4 no one tells you what will happen. Now it is happening and I hate what is happening and I am powerless to control it. I am not so self-absorbed to even presume that I should be able to control what is happening to Robert. I believe that it is in God's hands and pray that Robert will find peace and comfort during this next phase of the journey. Trey said it today and I was surprised to hear such a mature and insightful comment spoken by such a young child - "It is nobody's fault." I hope that I can maintain faith throughout this journey that I will travel through for the rest of my life. I hope for everyone to stay focused on the positive thoughts and memories and not to expend energy on the questions of why and the unfairness of the situation. We must try and maintain a positive attitude and uplifted spirit to assist us in finding peace and, courage, and to find the positive lessons to be learned. We love Robert and I know that this would be his message to us. Thanks to all for you support that reminds us each and every day that we are not alone.

The Kinberg family has been deeply touched and continues to appreciate the love and support they have received. The many acts of kindness and good deeds have changed their lives forever. A number of people who have been following Robert’s condition have asked how they can support the family to offset existing and anticipated expenses. I wanted to let you know that Robert’s parents, Betty and Elliot, have set up an account for this purpose. If you would like to contribute, checks will be accepted in Elliot’s name to the following address – 6125 Harbour Overlook, Alpharetta, GA 30005. Contact phone number is 770-751 3813. Anyone who has a current Pay Pal account may send a donation directly to Elliot’s email at ekinberg@bellsouth.net. Please know that the family is thankful for the good wishes, prayers, and positive energy that have been showered upon them and nothing else is expected.

Sincerely,

Neil Weinstein(Cousin of Robert)

July 15th

It is hard to know what to say about what is happening. Robert remains at Gilchrist Hospice Center and that is telling- in and of itself. He went there for symptom management and now the symptom management continues for different reasons. Robert's health has changed dramatically in the two weeks that he has been there. I can not express the details tonight as today has been a very emotional day. The staff at the hospice are doing their best to keep Robert comfortable and pain free. It is obvious - even without test - that the diseases are progressing. Robert still recognizes us and we are thankful for the moments of connectedness that we capture. He is a fighter and our superhero. We pray for peace and comfort. We pray for the people who care for Robert to find the ability to continue to care for those that are so ill and often unable to express their wants and needs. We pray that everyone who supports us will know how powerful their good thoughts and good deeds have been in helping us to find white light during a time of darkness.

July 5th

Today is not July 5th - but I wrote this yesterday so I will post it today. It is July 5th - I have to think about it, but I know because it is our 12th year wedding anniversary. It is surreal. 12 years gone so quickly & yet spent so well. 12 years of love, fun, & good fortune. 12 years of good jobs, traveling, buying a house, & making it our home. 12 years of planning for & having children. Having our boys - the best decision we ever made. The greatest creations we could have ever been blessed with. Robert and I watch/listen (to) them with awe, spend time with them in amazement of their character, and love them with the deepest emotions possible.

Robert is still at Gilchrist Hospice Center. It is difficult to describe/explain how he is doing and I would have to explain hour by hour. We will treasure the joyous moments and work through the difficult moments. I celebrated today as any other really - Soaking in the precious moments and rationalizing the difficult circumstances that we find ourselves in - remembering the great memories and recognizing that we have little control over much of what happens. This is true for all of us. It is just that this lesson has been highlighted for us during our journey through this illness. May we all celebrate LIFE.

July 2nd

I wish that I knew what to report. What I do know is that we can not predict when Robert will come home and we will take it day by day. Medications are still being adjusted and Robert is being well taken care of. We are trying to find a balance of being here and there. I know that we made the right decision to go there and yet is seems that in some ways we don't belong there. It is the timing that I struggle to make sense of. We were going to Hopkins for treatment on a Thursday and went into the Hospice Center on Fri. There is no explanation for any of this - so I don't know why I would expect to have any understanding of the progression of Robert's illness. I am not focused on this all of the time. If anything this experience has taught us that it is the quality of time that matters over everything else. The Hospice Center has a beautiful garden and fish pond and we are thankful for the beautiful setting. It is difficult not all being together all of the time - but we know that we have to make decisions that are best for all of us - even when they are difficult. Our focus must be on the moments together - regardless of the setting. The highlights of the day were - All of us laughing together, Robert kissing us and telling us that he loves us. These are the events that we must hold in our hearts and that will help us to stand strong in the moments of despair. As always we thank you all for support that keeps our spirits high.

June 29th

It is difficult to describe what is happening anymore. My focus is not what is happening or why it is happenig - but HOW it is happening. Robert continues to struggle with the symptoms related to brain tumors. The details are not as important as the impact that it has on Robert and all of those who love him. Each day seems to bring increased and new challenges that force us to find strength from deep within to confront and handle. Honestly - I hate what is happening and there seems to be little we can do to stop it. Our attention now is on regulating medications to help Robert to feel better. We are currently staying at the Gilchrist Inpatient Center (Hospice)to work with the doctors to find the right types & dosages of medications to help Robert. We have been here since late Friday night and will hopefully be home within a couple of days. Our attention will be on the moments of peace and happiness that come from being together. I reread what I have just written and it sounds negative, but know that we always hold love in our hearts and hope in our souls. It is with the support of you that we feel the possibilities of positive energy at work.

June 24th

It is difficult to know what to write anymore. So much seems to happen within each day and it is difficult to find the time to do anything else unrelated to taking care of each other. I made a comment the other day, "Today is a good day" and then I realized that this is not necessarily a complete truth or perhaps we often think of this statement incorrectly. It is not the day that determines whether a day is 'good' or 'bad'. It is not as if we know that Fridays will be 'good' just because of the fact that it is Friday. Isn't the day good just because of the fact that is has arrived? Isn't it our perspective of the day that determines whether it is 'good' or not? We all know that events of the day- make some days feel better and easier then others. We can not deny that some moments have more powerful emotions of comfort or discomfort and it is undeniable that we will feel the effects of different events differently. What I am trying to comprehend and focus on is that - the days that seem 'bad' hold powerful lessons that we must use to help us to appreciate the 'good' moments that happen later - even within the same day. No day is full of 'good' or 'bad'.
Robert is well under the circumstances and it is difficult to explain the changes that occur when suffering from brain tumors, lymphoma, and the effects of medications and treatments. The difference is this - It is one thing to know that you have brain cancer - It is another thing to see it happen - and now we are seeing it happen. Robert is determined, stubborn, and decisive in his fight to complete this week of brain radiation. Chest radiation was complete last week. Last week we had to stop the oral chemo and were unable to get the avastin due to results of his blood labs. We hope to continue with avastin again next week. Effects of the diseases that he is battling are making things more challenging. We work to continue to focus on the fact that we will do many of the same things that we have done - but in a different way and with tools to help us. We have added new support people to our team and know that they will take over responsibility with some tasks to free us to focus on being together.
We continue to be thankful for the many people in our lives who think of us. We could not even begin to describe the feelings that we experience when being helped by so many people in so many ways. Please know that our appreciation is present and we may not be able to communicate it directly right now - but we hold it within our hearts.

June 17th

I realize that it has been some time since my last posting and that is only because some days seem to pass with the inability to do everything that seems should be possible. It is not that we are oblivious to the world around us, it is that we are unable to keep up with the world around us. Our focus is taking care of ourselves and trying to maintain energy to fight the fight. I often describe myself as a cartoon character the is 'moving but not going anywhere'. Nothing seems possible these days without the help that we have received from friends & family that have jumped in to do everything from cooking, cleaning, supervising the boys, and spending time with Robert and I to relieve us- to rest and try and catch our breath. We are grateful for the friends who will travel to visit. The friends & family who plan for experiences - for our family- to help us find fun in the days and to build memories to last a lifetime. The friends who organize and execute plans to hold fundraisers to help to find better treatments and a cure for brain cancer. Our awareness of the people who care for us is not lost and we are incredibly grateful to be cared for in ways that make us all appreciative of each other and the relationships that we have.
There are many positive factors involved in this most difficult set of circumstances. Robert will have completed two weeks of brain radiation after tomorrow and the side effects from treatment appear to be less severe then we had imagined. Robert has good days and bad days and it is difficult to determine what causes the bad days/moments. I am convinced that it is a combination of factors that impact his well- being. The harsh radiation, the multiple medications, and the effects of tumors? Robert is well under the circumstances and he is the most couragous person I know.
We are focusd on each day as it arrives and recognize the importance of grabbing onto the moments of simple pleasures, moments of connectedness, and moments of interaction. A smile, a laugh, a roll of the eyes, a kiss, a hug holding hand, and lying together communicate more then any words. We are grateful for opportunities.
The boys are remarkable and Robert and I are amazed by them everyday. They handle the changes with a courage that is hard to imagine is possible from children who are so young and developmentally (apparently) self-centered. I know that they are scared and we can not take that away. We talk often about what is happening and they accept it without frustration, anger, or resentment. They love - just to love. I am sad for what has changed, but we work to do the same things in a different way. They drive me to find the -new new normal- and we all benefit from it. We have much to learn from children.
Thanks!

June 7th

Robert has had a good weekend and we took time to play card games and video games with the boys. Those moments when we are all awake at the same time, together, and able to have interaction are the most precious moments for all for us. It is difficult to comprehend the many changes that have occurred over the last two months and we are doing our best to focus on the moments that happen now - instead of looking back at what has changed and is missing.
The moments when we hear words of encouragement, the moments that we are given hugs, the moments that we read notes of hope, and the moments that we are allowed to share our story give us strength to deal with the pain. The moments that the boys are being entertained and loved, gives us time to sort through and deal with the logistics. Knowing that so many people care has given us the ability stay energized when we felt that there was no possible way to find energy to keep moving forward. We carry all of the good wishes and positive energy with us and each time we go to the hospital we are honored to have you traveling with us. We know that we are not alone and it is comforting. Thank you.

June 4th

I sit to write and it seems impossible to know what to say and how to say it. So much has happened over the last two months and our heads and our hearts are spinning. We do our best to get through the long days at the hospital and have energy to get up and do it again the next day. We fight for the energy to play with our boys in the evenings and weekends and are thankful for the many people who help in caring for Bryce and Trey. Forgive us for not responding to your thoughtful notes, comments, e-mails and phone calls. We are so incredibly grateful to know that we are supported by so many and desperately want to thank everyone for the acts of kindness that have been shared with us.
The medical aspects of Robert's diseases are so complex and challenging that is is to much to write about. My emotions are heavy and it is to difficult to describe the details. Robert is very brave and we are doing everything to work through the physical changes and the emotional battles that we are confronted with. Love to all!

May 29th

It does not happen often but I have posted two days in a row. This is because last night I wanted to update quickly about the medical aspect of the situation. Today the focus is both the medical/logistical & emotional aspects of the situation that are grabbing at my head and my heart. Today we have been home most of the day and it is better to be home and yet it is still difficult to relax. Things have changed and are getting harder each day. So much has happened and is happening everyday. I don't mean to sound negative, but it is getting harder to find the positive lessons that come from this horrible disease and the impact that it has on our family. Robert seems lost and I fear that we will lose him. Everything is uncertain and I feel sadness for all of us.
Not all cancers are created equal. I do not mean to take away the devastation and fear that comes with anyone's cancer diagnosis and I wish that no one would ever have to be given the diagnosis. I can only speak from our experience and tell you that brain cancer is a brutal and unforgiving cancer that takes away many abilities of the patient and the family. It is aggressive and relentless in its power to grow and spread rapidly. The comfort of learning that it rarely metastasizes is now over-ridden by the first hand discovery that brain cancer does interfere with patients functioning and independence. If I have anger - I will direct it at the cancers that are fighting against Robert's body.
We will have to continue to work to find another 'new normal' and I know that it is critical in finding peace with the circumstances. Please pray for all of us as we continue to find the strength to fight, thrive, and find peace.

May 28th

This week was more then difficult. Robert had a seizure on Monday and it was an experience that I wish no one would ever have to witness. I can not speak of it to much as it is to raw and I am overwhelmed by emotions when thinking of the moment. We were given information that Robert was hemorrhaging in the brain and it was a devastating complication. We were distraught thinking that we were losing Robert and I can not explain the fear related to this report. After being air lifted to Hopkins we were told that he most likely had not bleed and the MRI done on the following day confirmed this to be true. We will take the bits of really good news and hold on to them as we fight through the most challenging moments. Robert spent one nite in the intensive care unit and Tuesday night on the recovery floor. We were discharged last night and returned today for three appointments including radiation to the chest and a ritukan drip to treat the lymphoma.
We still have so many unanswered question and are trying to push forward. Thanks to everyone for the good wishes.

May 21st

We just got home from the hospital were Robert got his second round of Ritukan to treat the lymphoma. It went well and he was able to maintain a scheduled increase of the medication over time without any reaction. The IV drip took about three hours and we were away from home for only five hours total. This was much better then last weeks session which lasted about 6 1/2 hours. Having to go the the chemo treatment area of the hospital adds a new dynamic to the medical experience.
We met with the neuro-oncologist on Monday and the conversation was extensive and involved. So much was discussed and it is probably not necessary to provide every detail, but this is the information and proposed course of treatment. The MRI showed some improvement in the size of the brain tumors and this is remarkable since he has only received one dose of avastin and it is a drug that is primarily given to reduce inflammation - not shrink tumor. He bad news is that they have found a brain bleed. They think that is was caused from the brain biopsy and not the avastin. This is important because avastin can cause hemorrhaging even if not common. We will have a CAT scan next week to determine if it is growing and then determine if we can proceed with the avastin. Please pray for the 'go ahead' to get the avastin - it is important when receiving radiation. Hopefully avastin will be given next week and the radiation and oral chemo will be administered the week behind that.
We continue to be thankful for the many, many people who give of themselves to give to us.

May 17th

I have attempted to send Thank you letters to all of those who donated to the Race For Hope - DC and always fear that I am missing someone. I will post the Thank you letter here for anyone who may have been innocently skipped. Please know that we are thankful to everyone.
Robert, Tammy, Bryce, & Trey

It has been two weeks since we completed the Race For Hope- DC and it is still a strong inspirational and emotional moment that will stay with us always. Our team came together in the rain and we walked the 3.2 miles together. The experience gives us hope and an appreciation for the moment in time that we are able to be there together.

Your donations give us hope that better treatments and a cure will be developed through the research that will now happen. Your act of donating gives us emotional support that keeps our spirits lifted and keeps us better able to fight. Your constant good wishes give us a sense of peace that we are cared for. We are happy to have you in our lives. Thank you.



Robert, Tammy, Bryce, & Trey Kinberg

May 16th

It seems as if it has been weeks since our last post because so much has happened this week. This was a busy week for us in terms of the number of appointments that we had at the hospital. Mon. we met with the hemo-oncologist, Tue. we met with the radiologist and had a radiology simulation to prepare for radiation treatments, Wed. we got the avastin -IV medication to treat the brain, & Thur. we got the ritukan -IV medication to treat the lymphoma. On Thur. we left the house at 7:30AM and returned at 6:00PM. The days have been long and emotionally draining. The conversations held with doctors this week took a different tone then even before. It is both comforting and heart wrenching to see the caring/sorrow in the doctors eyes as they have to relay the difficult diagnosis and etc. The compassion that they have for us is incredible and yet it is their actions, body language, and voices that tell us more then the actual words that they speak. They still never give up hope and that is all that we can ask for.
I have been struggling with my current inability to keep up with almost everything. Our new job is fighting these cancers and it leaves little time to talk to almost everyone other then our doctors. This would be difficult enough, but there have been so many people who have given so much to us and I desperately want to thank each and every person. I wish I could speak to all of you and want you to know how grateful we are for all of the thoughtful gifts and good wishes that we have received. This blog will have to serve as our primary source of communication for now. Please know that we carry the your spirits with us as we travel through this difficult journey. Thanks for the gifts cards, surprise visits, gift baskets, e-mails, cards, holy water, prayers, and good energy.

May 11th

This weekend brought a much needed break from the hospital appointments. We were distracted by the love that was showered upon us by family and friends. People came together in ways that impress upon us how much we are being cared for. We had people help us with cleaning, yard work, entertaining the boys, grocery shopping, and pampering my soul. We receive cards, letters, and gifts that are creative & supportive, and truly keep us encouraged.
Having family here gave us a chance to sit and be together. Having family and friends come to Bryce's baseball games and cheer him on - cheers me up as well. It is difficult when Robert can not come and I feel saddened that they are not playing together. It is different - Robert was the one who coached Bryce, taught him, and stood in the field with him. Now it is mommy on the sidelines and the cheerleaders who come to support him and encourage him to keep playing. Bryce is playing and we are all excited to see it.
We had neighbors pull together and come to our rescue. They did a complete landscaping overhaul and a garage makeover. We don't even recognize our yard and it is beautiful. The garage looks amazing and is extremely functional. The beauty lays not only in the yard/garage, but in the hearts of those that came to work so hard for us. There is no way to express the overwhelming emotion that comes from seeing so many people (adults and children) come together to help us. We feel surrounded by supported and our hearts are uplifted. The spirit that drove so many to work so hard for us gives us a sense of encouragement to keep moving forward in a positive light. Each and every time we go outside or in & out of the garage, we are reminded of the support that we are being given by friends who are selfless in their acts of kindness. Thank you.
I apologize for the change in tone that the next set of paragraphs will take. The above paragraphs were written on Mon and now it is Tue. Things change daily and our emotions are running along with the frequent reports and conversations that we have with the doctors. Here is what we know- Robert can not be give the typical treatment for lymphoma (intense chemotherapy) as it will interfere with the treatment of the brain. The goal is to keep the chest tumor stable. He will receive radiation and an IV medication once a week.
Treatment for the brain will have to be aggressive as the tumors ar widespread in the brain. We will most likely have radiation with chemo (temodar- what he took before) and avastin before-during-after radiation. Basically- radiation on the chest and brain simultaneously for 4-5 weeks, one IV medication every other week and two IV medication on the alternate weeks, and oral chemo pills. It is difficult to provide all of the details about possible treatment options. This is what is important-this is an aggressive and atypical form of treatment, but Robert is Brave and wants to Fight hard. This will be our toughest fight and we know that we are not alone in this fight. We are carried by friends and family that will be with us - to help us.
After yesterdays appointments and phone conversations with our oncologists and radiologist, I could not find the good news in the bad news. I was struggling to find the positive aspect. Late last night I did realize this - Our doctors have not given up hope and We have not given up hope.
We have love and no disease can take that away. Love is our diagnosis!

May 7th

News came today and yet the treatment plan is undetermined. Robert has been diagnosed with lymphoma in the chest. We will speak with the hematologist (oncologist) on Monday and learn more about the specifics of the type of lymphoma. We know that it is a form of non-Hodgkins lymphoma (B cell) and I will not even attempt to understand more then that until speaking with the doctor.
Other news came on Tuesday and it was confusing and surprising. The brain biopsy results came back negative for both lymphoma and giloblastoma. The doctors are again puzzled as it seems that each test presents us with confusing results and even more questions. Additional brain sample from the biopsy will be cut, stained, and resent for testing. This means another week of waiting for results - knowing that there is the possibility that they may not be able to determine the exact cause of Robert's cognitive disruption. We have to hope that they will be able to make a determination of what is in the brain and will be able to begin treatment immediately following. Please pray for the doctors to find answers so that we can begin treatment soon.
Please know that we are incredible humbled by the good wishes and heartfelt messages of support that keep coming. In spite of everything that is happening - there is a sense that we are being taken care of by so many and that is power.

May 4th

I had to look up the date for the second time today. It is a reflection of the fact that time moves at a different rate and some times stands still in the Kinberg household. It is as if days pass and the date and time are not relevant because everything revolves around doctors appointments, test that are scheduled, test results that are pending and dealing with the physical & emotional struggle that comes with this type of medical situation. Living day by day has become a necessity for us. We have talked about it, but rarely do we ever really do it. As we wait for two pathology results to be determined - we must focus on the day that we are in. We have been in the place where we have assumed that the results were going to be given the next day and have been dissapointed when they did not come. It is to difficult to think about "when" the results will be given.
The 'not knowing' is not the most difficult part - it is the 'not doing' that is the hardest. It is as if the 'diagnoses' that will be given don't even matter anymore, it is the treatment plan that is important. We must have more information before treatment is to begin - so we will have to keep testing and waiting - but ultimately they can label the masses 'anything' and the most important information for us is what treatments are available and how effective are they. This is not to insinuate that the doctors are not working as quickly and as diligently as they can to diagnose and treat Robert. We can not express the amount of admiration and trust we have in the team of doctors that are fighting for us and with us. They are compassionate and caring and we pray for them to find the answers and celebrate Robert's recovery with us.
There have been inspirational moments and moments of recognition that we are surrounded by so many good people and it does keep our spirits raised.
On April 19th our friends supported us in raising 1,000 at our charity yard sale. They were planners, organizers, contributors, photographers, and the most amazing sales people. They arrived early and stayed late to keep pushing to do more. They raised awareness of brain cancer and raised money for critical research. They did it all with great energy and spirit. They are our never ending cheerleaders and we are forever grateful.
On May 3rd we completed the Race For Hope-DC surrounded by friends and family. Things were different then the year before and yet the inspiration and overwhelming emotion the the day remained the same. The team was bigger, the t-shirts were new (and GREAT), and the weather was different. The day that we had been planning for - for so long came and went quickly. Robert was able to attend and was pushed in a wheelchair by his brother. Having friends that will travel to DC in the rain and walk with us is an unbelievable act of support and we feel thankful to have so many people to call 'friends' We thank everyone who supported us through donations and know that you have made a difference in our lives and the lives of others.
There are so many people to thank- We thank those that bring us food, plant & deliver flowers for the sole purpose of giving them to others, send us messages of encouragement, send parking & food coupons for Hopkins, donate t-shirts, design/copy pamphlets, give an i-pod gift card so that we can find the music that helps to sooth our souls, arrange for a free haircut, arrange for baseball games and batting practice, who read this blog, give their time & energy to raise money and support our charities, and care for our children.
Thank you to those that make us laugh and allow us to be the center of attention. We look forward to the day that we hold conversations that involve other people.
Thanks to all!

April 30th

Robert did come home yesterday and is feeling better today. Our lives have changed dramatically since April the 8th and yet is as if we have been waiting for so long to receive the answers that will ultimately dictate future treatments. The diagnosis does not seem to be the most important news anymore - it is the treatments and effectiveness of treatments that we will have to focus on. The days are filled with a multitude of emotions as we wait for final pathology results from both the chest and the brain. We came home from the hospital ready to rest and prepare for the fight ahead. It is with the words of encouragement that you have given that we will stay positive in our ability to fight. It is in the love that you give that we will find the power to believe in ourselves and in the doctors to hold on to hope and never give up. It is in the acts of kindness that we find peace and that we are surrounded by 'good'. There are to many people to thank. I want so desperately to talk to each and every person but I can not find the time. Please know that we are thankful and do not take you for granted.

April 29th

The brain biopsy went well yesterday and the results will take 5-7 working days. Yesterday was a long day as we arrived at the hospital at 6am for an MRI and the biopsy didn't begin until 3pm. Robert spent the night in the NCCU -Neuro Critical Care Unit- and may possible get to come home today. I am leaving for the hospital to try and capture and release him. If he does not come home I will spend the night with him as he will be moved to a recovery floor. We thank everyone again for your wonder words good wishes. Thanks to all!

April 27th

Things have been changing every other day and it is difficult to keep everyone informed. I will try to update you without including the details of every possible scenario of what could be... The final pathology from the chest mass is not done and we are still awaiting results. Robert will have a brain biopsy tomorrow and the results should give us a better idea of the direction that treatments will take. We believe that the doctors are working diligently and with the the greatest desire to help. They are great and we are grateful to have them on our team. Please pray for them as they work to take care of us. Please pray for Robert as he undergoes yet another test and future treatments. We are blessed to have all of you on our team as well and know that the positive thoughts are making a difference in our lives. I will carry all of the love and support with us as we continue to travel on this journey and it will help us to keep moving forward with hope and the realization that we are not alone. Love to all.

April 24th

Today Robert will be admitted into the hospital today. His medical situation is more complicated then ever before and we are desperately seeking answers so that treatments can begin. Forgive me for not being able to write about all of the details associated with this journey, but I am exhausted both physically and emotionally and I am unable to share the details right now. We are still waiting the final biopsy results from the mass in the lung. Know that we are going into the hospital for testing, in the hopes of finding more answers. Robert should be in the hospital until Thur. Most test will be non-invasive and have no pain associated with them. On Tuesday - Robert will have a brain biopsy. This is not a biopsy of the tumor already seen on the MRI scans, but in another area of the brain where there is question of something else happening. We are living a nightmare as Robert's gets sicker and there is no current treatment. Thank you to everyone for your support and love. Thank you.

April 20th

Malignant! That is what they tell us. What type of cancer? We will have to wait. The words we anticipated after a week of test that were being scheduled rapidly and with urgency. There was the intense need to find out what this mass was in Robert's chest. Still - barely enough time has passed since we first heard the words - "We found something" - "A mass in your chest" and we are still dealing with the shock of the possibility of a secondary diagnosis of cancer, much less the reality that the mass is malignant. The recurrence of brain tumors was not shocking. The mass in the chest was shocking. Both at the same time is shocking. Everything just got ten times more complicated.

It is as if Robert's body is fighting against him. More cancer, cognitive functioning that is disrupted from brain tumors, and constant fatigue even before new treatments have begun. He remains strong, but how much can one person take? He tries to stay focused on what he has to do to fight the cancers. We stay committed to lift each others spirits when necessary and to refocus each other when times seem overwhelming.

Oct. 15, 2007 - it was if someone stuck a sword through my chest with the diagnosis of a glioblastoma multiforme grade IV. I pulled the sword out and over time the puncture began to heal. April 8, 2009 - is was if someone stuck a knife in my heart with the official diagnosis of a recurrence of brain tumors. There was no time to pull the knife out before the news of a mass in the chest was presented. The knife has been pulled out, but I am not sure if these wounds will ever heal. At he very minimum, the scares will be felt for a lifetime. My heart aches for all of us. Our family had already changed after the initial diagnosis, but this new stretch of the journey may have the greatest impact on our family. I hope that we can find the lesson to be learned in this deep pain. I hope that we can stay open to the belief that everything happens for a reason and if we are open to the entire experience - we will all be stronger for it.

We are sad. The kind of sad that no one would ever wish to experience. The kind of sad that hurts. The kind of sad that can make you feel physically sick. The kind of sad that changes your perspective of everything - yourself, your relationships to others, your purpose on this earth , and the importance of finding the truly important things in life. The news is devastating and it is as if the 'bump in the road' just became a mountain. We are ready to climb the mountain and will do whatever we have to do, we will go wherever we have to go, and will work with who ever we need too. We are together and will fight together with all of the support that is offered.

There are those that support us and we are incredible grateful to so many people. We are truly living day by day right now and are thankful to those who take care of our boys without any prior notice. We are thankful to those who take our boys to try and keep their schedules as normal as possible. We are thankful to those who look after our boys to give us time to do what needs to be done. They are taking care of our most precious gifts. We are thankful to those who send us messages of hope and words of encouragement. We are thankful to those who send us positive thoughts and prayers. They are keeping us moving forward. We are thankful to the friends who support us in our efforts to raise awareness and fundraising efforts. They are making a difference! We are thankful for the medical teams who have and will work to determine the best treatment options. They give us hope. Thank you!

April 14th

It is Tuesday and so much has happened since our last post. Suffice it to say Robert has been going through multiple test to rule out the possibility that the mass in his chest is another type of cancer. Blood work, ultra-sounds, biopsy, and PET Scan. Everything is being scheduled quickly and appointments are being shuffled back and forth to fit them all in. Our oncologist recognizes the emotional distress of not knowing and works diligently to get us seen.
We will meet with here tomorrow to discuss the newest test results -if available- and to discuss the Brain Tumor Boards recommendations related to the latest brain scans.
Robert is exhausted and yet he still holds a sense of humor with the doctors and nurses. We will wait for the good results that must come. If this is a test - then we will pass. We will do what we need to do to be informed and take whatever action we need to take to be well.
The positive thoughts being shared with us - keep us well.

April 9th

April 8th came and the news received from the MRI was unwelcome. Where there were two spots - now there are three. The official term - reoccurrence. Then the discussion of treatment options. Our oncologist is knowledgeable and shares multiple treatment options for us to consider. Options include surgery, different chemo drugs, clinical trials. The information is overwhelming. We will take one step at a time and trust in the professionals who care for us with all of the compassion of a friend. We will trust in ourselves to do what we feel is best and we will trust in the powers that guide us to keep moving forward.

We met with the surgeon today and he is first- sincere in his promise to always hold 'hope'. He will review Robert's scans with the Tumor Board on Monday to confirm that all other team members agree with him and the oncologist that the benefits of surgery would outweigh the risks. He will try to reach all spots and remove as much as he can without harming any good brain tissue. There are two spots that he feels confident that he can reach. The third spot is questionable and he will have to wait and see. We will wait to hear from them and make decisions from there.

We received a call from the oncologist this afternoon and they have found a mass in Robert's chest cavity. They do not know what it is and it will have to be biopsied. We hope to have it scheduled by early next week and are very frightened by this finding. They believe that this mass is unrelated to the brain cancer and are shocked by the results of the CT Scan.

This is all difficult to process. First a diagnosis of brain cancer, then a possible diagnosis of melanoma, and now a mass in his chest. Really! I would be angry if I knew who to be angry with. Robert and I are taking care of each other and we will fight the current and any additional diagnosis we are confronted with. We hope for good test results and for good treatment options when needed and ultimately a cure. We hope for the strength to handle any news that is received and the ability to stay happy and strong in spite of it. The support from those that we love is amazing and so appreciated.

March 30th

We are home from our trip to Disney and we are all exhausted from the fun. This is not a complaint - just an indication of our thankfulness for the ability to 'go' and 'do'. We were able to find a balance of activity and rest in the hectic chaos that is included in any "Disney" vacation. It was time spent together without the daily chores associated with 'home' (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) It was time spent enjoying the excitement that the boys found in all of the attractions at the parks. It was for us a celebration of life.

Robert will begin another round of chemo this week and will have another MRI on (Wed.) April 8th. We will meet with the oncologist on that day. Thanks to everyone who sends us messages of support. Thanks to everyone who sends us good wishes and prayers. Our spirits are uplifted by the positive energy that surrounds us.

March 16th

We are all excited and looking forward to our trip to Disney. The packing moves slowly and yet I know that it will get done and we will have clothes to wear while we are there. Planning a trip to Disney is like planning to go to another country. There are so many options and tips for successfully maneuvering through the parks - that it is like learning about the cultural differences of another place. We have researched information in bits and pieces as it is often difficult to focus on all of the details at one time. We hope to learn as we go. We are looking forward to the warm weather and spending time together without thinking about the daily stresses of work, home, or medical circumstances. This week will be busy and I am confident will pass quickly. The boys are excited and each have thoughts about the adventure they are about to travel. The memories are the most important aspect of the trip and we will most certainly do as much or as little as possible to truly focus on the moments that we are experiencing together.

March 11th

Robert completed his 'first' round of chemo on Sunday. He did well and tolerated the treatment well. He was fatigued and moving in "slow motion". We are thankful for the response to his return to chemo and are trying to focus on the everyday events that are not directly related to diagnosis and treatments.
I keep thinking about Robert's strength and his ability to face the realities of life in a way that most of us can not easily imagine. He is strong emotionally and physically. He is caring and understanding and able to stay focused on the events of the moment. We are strong as a family and nothing can change that. Our love will remain strong and guide us through all of our collective experiences. Thank you to everyone who thinks of us and wishes us well.

March 5th

Robert began the chemo last night and felt well. He went to work this morning and it was as if nothing had changed - except things have changed. We know that Robert is back on the chemo and yet we must wait until the next MRI to know more about the future results and/or treatments if necessary. There are moments that it is hard to think in the positive and there are moments that it is hard to be negative. Today I have been uplifted by the conversations, emails, and stories shared by family and friends. Thanks to everyone for your kind words of encouragement.

March 3rd

I have thought about how to share our news and I will try to do it in a positive way, because it is the bad news - good news report. I start with the bad news because it is what we heard first and will have to focus on initially. The bad news is that Robert's MRI scan has changed. There are two spots that were not there before. They are small and they are not sure what they are - tumor vs. irritation from previous treatments. The oncologist is concerned because the scans have been clear for several months and the shape of the spots looks suspicious. Robert will go back on the chemo tomorrow and will possible stay on for a year. It is the same chemo drug that he had taken before and he will follow the five day on - twenty-three day off schedule. We are taking an aggressive approach with this treament realizing that we do not have an offical diagnosis, but feel that this is the best option.
Here is the good news:
They found the spots early and there is always the possibility that they are not tumor. Robert is not symptomatic from the threat of a brain tumor. He feels well and is strong in every way. He tolerated and responded well to treatment before. The location of the spots is still in the frontal lobe and there is a surgical option if necessary. Radiation may still be an option if absolutely necessary. We are working an oncologist, surgeon, and other medical professional that we trust and respect in a hospital that is amazing. There are also clinical trails that might possibly be available for patients with reoccurring tumors.
Most importantly - we are surrounded by family and friends who allow us to reach out to them and support us - always.
As Robert describes it- We have hit a bump in the road and we will fight. I'm along for the rough part of the ride and cling to the realization that while our medical story has changed, not everything has changed. No matter what happens medically - our love for each other has not changed and we will fight together.

March 1st

Tomorrow we will go to Hopkins for Robert's MRI, blood work, and oncology appointment. Please think good thoughts as we hope for the best report possible. Thanks!

Feb 27th

Today I have been home with the boys for the entire day and they have been my motivation for everything and anything that seems difficult and/or challenging. They have been working with me to gather items for our yard sale and have been very generous in giving up books and toys to sell in the name of charity. They have been enthusiastic about the work that needs to be done prior to the sale. Bryce is ready to hit the streets to gather items to raffle off. They have been cooperative and their attitudes remind me that the effort put into our projects is worth it.
We have planned a trip to Disney and are excited about the chance to get away and have fun together. When scheduling the trip we were asked if we were celebrating any special occasions and initially we said no. When asked again - I responded that we were celebrating 'Life'. Robert explained about his diagnosis and the representative questioned if he was telling the truth. We were not trying to shock her, but it is a story of hope and a story of the power of people. Without the people working to treat and search for a cure - and - without the people who care for us emotionally we would not be doing this well. It is a 'good' story in the respect that it demonstrates that people can pull together and make a difference. We are incredibly thankful for the good people in our lives.

Feb. 19

We are doing well and keeping active - which is a good thing. The boys are well and so we are well. They are growing, playing, and learning at a rate that is astonishing to Robert and me. They surprise us every day. I watch them play and am reminded of their ability to,live in the moment and be totally focused on the activity in which they are engaged in at that moment. I wish that, as an adult, we had the ability to truly focus on the moment without the worries or stresses we have creeping in on and infringing on our bodies and minds. There are situations that we are totally engrossed in the moment, but the seem to be the exception rather then the rule. We have a lot to learn from our children - they play hard and love hard.
They are innocent in their actions toward each other. They are open minded, open hearted, and open to the diversity that surrounds us. They are forgiving and loyal to each other and share with out hesitation. Each day I will focus on sharing or doing something thoughtful in the hope that everyone else will do the same.

Feb. 10th

We are looking ahead and planning ahead and that feels good. We will be participating in The Race for Hope - DC on May 3rd 2009 and are excited for the opportunity. It is energizing, emotional, and rewarding to be a part of an event that is structured to raise money for research of better treatments and ultimately a cure. Being there last year was uplifting and inspiring. This year we want to do more. More with our team, more with our fundraising efforts, and more with the goal of raising awareness for brain tumors and brain cancer.
We invite everyone interested to join our team and walk/run with us on May 3rd. For those friends running remember there is one rule - After running to the finish line you must walk back to those of us who will be walking and finish the race with us. We will also be holding a yard sale to raise money and awareness. We have a team of great friends who are working to plan an successful and profitable sale. We are also contemplating some additional fundraising ideas to be conducted after the race as donations will be accepted until Sept. 30th 2009.
It is often difficult to ask people for support - monetary and/or emotional, but we will - because of the realization that it is necessary to find a cure. We feel so thankful to have been supported by so many and believe that we have done well because of it. For every person who sends us positive energy we THANK YOU! You are our inspiration to do better and to be better.

Feb. 2nd

It is Feb. and it is hard to believe. We are well and trying to keep it all together. The time passes quickly and we struggle to get it all done. We are doing better at completing the logistical matters that are necessary, but still find ourselves discussing it, adding it to a list, and revisiting it before completing anything. We are not living in the fog that we once found ourselves in, but planning and completing jobs still takes some extended time. I'm sure that this is a problem faced by many, not just us.
Robert will have a mole removed on his foot today and will be on crutches for 2-3 days. In Nov. he was referred to a dermatologists at Hopkins because of concerns over the high number and suspicious number of moles seen on his back, chest, and one on the bottom of his foot. Two moles have already been removed and came back as moderate to severe atypia - Basically, not malignant and they removed them in time. We will know more about this latest mole within ten days. The good news is that they are only removing one mole instead of the three that they had originally identified.
The other good news- The boys are taking sports classes and are ready for the warmer weather to get back outside. Bryce starts indoor soccer tonight and Trey is enrolled in mini-sport class that covers t-ball, soccer, and basketball. Bryce will play baseball in the spring and Robert is relieved that he wants to play, as he went back and forth on this decision. All guys are excited and eager to play. Robert is looking forward to getting on the softball field himself. Activity is good and I am happy to have everyone playing.

Jan. 25th

Today we are tired. Tired - but 'good' tired. We have been busy and I look at the activity as a sign of our current state of well-being. Robert is working the 8 hour days. He typically goes in early and gets home early. Bryce likes to have his Daddy pick him up at the bus stop. Trey often asks where Daddy is during the day and tells me that he wants Daddy to come home.
The boys have been having play dates and the world seems to revolve around them again. This is a good thing when you are three and six. Bryce had a school friend over and will reconnect with some of his old preschool friends tomorrow on his day off. Trey has had a neighbor friend over and we have babysat a friend's baby twice in the last couple of weeks. We went out to dinner with friends on Fri. night and had friends to the house on Sat. Time spent eating, talking, and playing- great! Last weekend we went to Robert's work party and spent the night downtown. We enjoyed the time there and the opportunity to sleep in. Knowing that the boys were camping out at their aunt & uncle's and with their cousins gave us nothing but time to ourselves.
All of this activity has been made easier because of the fact that we are well and because of the fact that we are surrounded by good people who care and always wish us well. Surrounding yourself around good people gives you energy to stay positive in your life. There is so much that is difficult to understand, but one thing that is obvious is that - having good people in your life is the most important gift received. We have received many gifts in our lives and we love you all.
We watched Extreme Home Makeover tonight and I was struck by a comment made by the new home owner. He expressed his amazement at the fact that so many people gave their efforts to help his family without receiving any benefits themselves. While I understood his thinking, I couldn't help but to think of the fact that everyone who volunteered to help him had given and gift and received a gift as well. By giving to others they understood the joy & satisfaction that comes with helping others. They understood the power that we all have to make a difference. They must have felt a deep sense of gratification for their part in impacting and making someones life better. It doesn't take an enormous act of building a house to make an impact in someones life - it can be the 'little things' that impact others.

Jan. 20th

Today was good, as every day has good in it. Today the boys witnessed history happening and I found myself feeling emotional. Whether you liked the outcome of the election or not - there is power in the way that so many were drawn together and hopeful for the future. We want so much for the boys to live in a world where they are inspired by possibilities, motivated by the belief that they are capable, and encouraged to dream 'big dreams' with the understanding that they can come true.
The inspiration that we have gained from each other in times of crisis has motivated us to appreciate our blessings. Today - I express my appreciation for the people who care for us and our children. Our appreciation for the understanding that our boys are well - so - we are well. And- our appreciation for the opportunity to talk to others and share our story with honesty and openness. Today was a good day.

Hope your day was good.

Jan. 11th

The Kinberg family is doing well and we have all been busy and active. The boys are still trying to play with all of the new toys that they have received during the holidays. We have been adjusting to the boys going back to school and Robert going back to work after periodic days off during the holiday season. Robert is feeling well and we are thankful to be able to play together.

This morning when I woke up and I didn't know the date. This is not an uncommon occurrence and can be good or bad depending on the perspective and circumstances of the day. If we are unaware of the date because we are wrapped up in the moment and focused on the events taking place in our lives, then time time/date is not important. However, after discovering the date I realized that I had forgotten to take Bryce to a birthday party yesterday. I write about it only to emphasize that we all have moments of regret that can not be resolved, but that we must try and accept and rectify later. I have no excuse for my forgetfulness and can not understand how this happened. I feel terrible. I am thankful for the consideration of others who did nothing but try and make me feel better. The kindness of others who do not take my actions - in this case non-actions - personally and only laugh with me in my attempt to express my sorrow. People can be and are often more forgiving of others than we are to ourselves.