Feb 17th

The weather this season has been rare, unpredictable, and has brought with it diverse emotions. Calming & beautiful- when first falling and when it is untouched. Fierce & harsh- during the blizzard conditions. Frustrating and despised- when it has to be removed. Fun- when it is used to create tunnels, climbing mountains, and the prefect sledding routes. Some of the emotions overlap and we find ourselves able to respect the conditions, but unwilling to be in the snow. We appreciate the natural wonders that come from such an amazing weather event, but are ready to move on. There are the days/moments in which we are content and the moments in which we want everything to change and the snow to disappear immediately. Obviously- much related to the storms and the snow are beyond our control. The snow comes and the amounts collected on the ground are beyond our control. The attitude that we chose to deal with the conditions that we find ourselves in, is within our control. We either chose to see the beauty in the vast amounts of white hills that lay in front of us and play in it or we resent the logistical challenges that this amount of snow brings with it and are blinded to the beauty and the positive aspects of being in our homes with the people that we love and being able to spend quality time with them. Not having to go anywhere - because we can't.
Excuse my deep and ultra-emotional thoughts about 'weather'. It is just that the blizzard brings with it diverse emotions - just as our journey has brought to us. I find I still work to understand and comprehend what has happened and to find the the strength to recognize and deal with the things that we can control and recognize and release the things that are beyond our control. Robert was our leader in being able to do just that and he taught us so much. Everyday is finding the balance between dealing with the things that have happened and recognizing the many things that we have learned and are grateful for.
I do want to say that we are grateful for the people who take us in and make us feel so welcome and for the people who ban together to clear our street and our driveway - even when we are not home. There is "power in the People" and this is a part of the storm that I will remember most.

Jan. 30th

I think about writing all of the time and yet there never seems to be the 'right' time, enough time, or enough energy when there is time. These are issues that are not new to any person, but they do seem to be more prevalent and more difficult to work through then before. Everything seems harder, everything takes longer, and everything has new meaning. So here I am today - alone and with time to write and it is hard to know what to write. I want everyone to know that we are doing well - considering. We continue to move forward. Some days we move more rapidly & freely and some days we move more slowly trying to carry the weight of everything that has happened & the loss of not having Robert here.
It has been six months and its does not feel like it has been six months. That is probably because it is still hard to believe that any of this has happened. It seems unreal - it seems impossible and I don't want the reality to catch up with me - as I do not know how I will be able to handle it.
I hold on to what I do know. I know that our love was real- our family was strong- and our love will live in our hearts.
I believe that this is what will get us through the moments that feel impossible. I also know that we will have people who surround us - who will support us. The boys and I are forever grateful for the time with Robert and his presence can be felt - even today.

Jan.3rd

We have celebrated holidays, birthdays, New Year's, all within a month & a few days and it has been a celebration with a heaviness that hangs over us. Happiness and sadness both at the same time. Joy for the memories of these occasions with Robert, joy for the gift of experiencing the celebrations through the eyes of the children, and joy for the gifts that we receive in being surrounded by so many people who care.

I hope that everyone finds peace and happiness in all of their experiences- always.

Dec. 20th

I don't know why I have not written. Perhaps it has been to emotionally difficult to think about it - to write about it. Perhaps it was that I didn't want to sound negative. Or - maybe a lack of energy has prevented me from posting.
So here is what I know- Everything seems more difficult and takes longer then it used too, but I have always found the blog to be a therapeutic process and like the idea that others found it useful in being able to stay updated.
It would be impossible to not express some sadness/negativity when posting (sometimes) as we have experienced a great loss.
The lack of energy that I feel is both physical and emotional. There is much stress and there are moments that seem paralyzing. We always get up, it is just after taking time to reflect & re-energize.
Everything that we have been through - diagnosis, treatments, and lose - seems incomprehensible, unimaginable, and unreal. There is no other way to describe what has happened and how we feel about it. We miss Robert all day everyday.
However- we are doing well. We are still surrounded by so many who give to us in every possible way. We carry the good wishes and positive thoughts with us always and are uplifted by the kindness of others.
The boys are doing remarkably well and are my biggest motivators. They are wonderful in their ability to process and deal with reality and live in the moment. They are sensitive, open and honest and I learn from them. They have great memories of Robert and talk about him often.
I could write forever, but I just want to wish everyone a Happy & Healthy Holiday.
Building memories is a blessing - Having memories is a gift.

Aug. 9th

It feels surreal- everything seems surreal. The fact that Robert is no longer physically with us seems unbelievable. It seems impossible and yet I was there through it all. I watched it happen and yet - I can not seem to comprehend it. This phase of the journey is more difficult then I could have imagined. We spend our days trying to function without Robert and it seems wrong. There are no words to express what we are feeling and experiencing.
We are working to get through the darkness and find physical and emotional peace. We are so grateful for the immense amount of support that we have received and know that this is critical to our healing. I will pick myself up. I will properly thank others and find ways to give back. For now - I ask for your patience - during this most difficult time. Love to all - Tammy, Bryce, & Trey

July 24

This morning I sit here and try and mentally prepare myself for the funeral that will take place this afternoon. I know that here is really no possible way to do this and yet I as I always do- want it to be done well. Done well for Robert. The love of my life. The father that loved and took such good care of his boys. The son who was so attentive and loving to his parents and the brother who always enjoyed being with his brother and sister. The friend who was so loyal and considerate. A good guy.
I sit and listen to the music that we have listened to so many times and it now has a new meaning. The music has changed and it is still powerful. We will all hear the music again and find peace. I believe that Robert has found his peace and I know that he will help us to find peace through the lessons that he taught us.
We miss him deeply.
I wanted everyone to know that we will carry your energy with us today. For those who are not physically with us today- know that your thoughts and good wishes are being felt and we are thankful to have you in our lives. The memorial service will be a time to celebrate Robert and the "power of the people". Love to all.

July 21st

Today is the saddest day of our journey and I cannot seem to find the words to tell why. There seems no other way to say it. Robert died early this morning and our hearts are filled with grief and also with some sense of relief that he has now found peace. I know that he is peaceful and believe that we too will find peace again. For all those who loved Robert - there will forever be a place in our hearts that he lives in. He lived well, we had fun, and we are blessed to have had him in our lives for as long as we did.
I thank you again for your support that has helped to carry us through this journey. I thank you for your continued support as we strive to find our path through the next phase of this journey. There are so many supporters and it is impossible to reach out to individuals to express our gratitude. Please allow me to say a global thank you through this blog that Robert created to stay connected to you. We are blessed to have you.
Considering Robert's wishes and the large number of family, friends, and supporters it seems logistically challenging to accommodate so many for the funeral service. Therefore, we will have a private graveside service for immediate family members only. In the near future - we will hold a memorial service open to the extended number of friends. Until then - we feel your love and support and will hold it close in our hearts. With Love- Tammy