Feb 17th

The weather this season has been rare, unpredictable, and has brought with it diverse emotions. Calming & beautiful- when first falling and when it is untouched. Fierce & harsh- during the blizzard conditions. Frustrating and despised- when it has to be removed. Fun- when it is used to create tunnels, climbing mountains, and the prefect sledding routes. Some of the emotions overlap and we find ourselves able to respect the conditions, but unwilling to be in the snow. We appreciate the natural wonders that come from such an amazing weather event, but are ready to move on. There are the days/moments in which we are content and the moments in which we want everything to change and the snow to disappear immediately. Obviously- much related to the storms and the snow are beyond our control. The snow comes and the amounts collected on the ground are beyond our control. The attitude that we chose to deal with the conditions that we find ourselves in, is within our control. We either chose to see the beauty in the vast amounts of white hills that lay in front of us and play in it or we resent the logistical challenges that this amount of snow brings with it and are blinded to the beauty and the positive aspects of being in our homes with the people that we love and being able to spend quality time with them. Not having to go anywhere - because we can't.
Excuse my deep and ultra-emotional thoughts about 'weather'. It is just that the blizzard brings with it diverse emotions - just as our journey has brought to us. I find I still work to understand and comprehend what has happened and to find the the strength to recognize and deal with the things that we can control and recognize and release the things that are beyond our control. Robert was our leader in being able to do just that and he taught us so much. Everyday is finding the balance between dealing with the things that have happened and recognizing the many things that we have learned and are grateful for.
I do want to say that we are grateful for the people who take us in and make us feel so welcome and for the people who ban together to clear our street and our driveway - even when we are not home. There is "power in the People" and this is a part of the storm that I will remember most.

Jan. 30th

I think about writing all of the time and yet there never seems to be the 'right' time, enough time, or enough energy when there is time. These are issues that are not new to any person, but they do seem to be more prevalent and more difficult to work through then before. Everything seems harder, everything takes longer, and everything has new meaning. So here I am today - alone and with time to write and it is hard to know what to write. I want everyone to know that we are doing well - considering. We continue to move forward. Some days we move more rapidly & freely and some days we move more slowly trying to carry the weight of everything that has happened & the loss of not having Robert here.
It has been six months and its does not feel like it has been six months. That is probably because it is still hard to believe that any of this has happened. It seems unreal - it seems impossible and I don't want the reality to catch up with me - as I do not know how I will be able to handle it.
I hold on to what I do know. I know that our love was real- our family was strong- and our love will live in our hearts.
I believe that this is what will get us through the moments that feel impossible. I also know that we will have people who surround us - who will support us. The boys and I are forever grateful for the time with Robert and his presence can be felt - even today.

Jan.3rd

We have celebrated holidays, birthdays, New Year's, all within a month & a few days and it has been a celebration with a heaviness that hangs over us. Happiness and sadness both at the same time. Joy for the memories of these occasions with Robert, joy for the gift of experiencing the celebrations through the eyes of the children, and joy for the gifts that we receive in being surrounded by so many people who care.

I hope that everyone finds peace and happiness in all of their experiences- always.

Dec. 20th

I don't know why I have not written. Perhaps it has been to emotionally difficult to think about it - to write about it. Perhaps it was that I didn't want to sound negative. Or - maybe a lack of energy has prevented me from posting.
So here is what I know- Everything seems more difficult and takes longer then it used too, but I have always found the blog to be a therapeutic process and like the idea that others found it useful in being able to stay updated.
It would be impossible to not express some sadness/negativity when posting (sometimes) as we have experienced a great loss.
The lack of energy that I feel is both physical and emotional. There is much stress and there are moments that seem paralyzing. We always get up, it is just after taking time to reflect & re-energize.
Everything that we have been through - diagnosis, treatments, and lose - seems incomprehensible, unimaginable, and unreal. There is no other way to describe what has happened and how we feel about it. We miss Robert all day everyday.
However- we are doing well. We are still surrounded by so many who give to us in every possible way. We carry the good wishes and positive thoughts with us always and are uplifted by the kindness of others.
The boys are doing remarkably well and are my biggest motivators. They are wonderful in their ability to process and deal with reality and live in the moment. They are sensitive, open and honest and I learn from them. They have great memories of Robert and talk about him often.
I could write forever, but I just want to wish everyone a Happy & Healthy Holiday.
Building memories is a blessing - Having memories is a gift.

Aug. 9th

It feels surreal- everything seems surreal. The fact that Robert is no longer physically with us seems unbelievable. It seems impossible and yet I was there through it all. I watched it happen and yet - I can not seem to comprehend it. This phase of the journey is more difficult then I could have imagined. We spend our days trying to function without Robert and it seems wrong. There are no words to express what we are feeling and experiencing.
We are working to get through the darkness and find physical and emotional peace. We are so grateful for the immense amount of support that we have received and know that this is critical to our healing. I will pick myself up. I will properly thank others and find ways to give back. For now - I ask for your patience - during this most difficult time. Love to all - Tammy, Bryce, & Trey

July 24

This morning I sit here and try and mentally prepare myself for the funeral that will take place this afternoon. I know that here is really no possible way to do this and yet I as I always do- want it to be done well. Done well for Robert. The love of my life. The father that loved and took such good care of his boys. The son who was so attentive and loving to his parents and the brother who always enjoyed being with his brother and sister. The friend who was so loyal and considerate. A good guy.
I sit and listen to the music that we have listened to so many times and it now has a new meaning. The music has changed and it is still powerful. We will all hear the music again and find peace. I believe that Robert has found his peace and I know that he will help us to find peace through the lessons that he taught us.
We miss him deeply.
I wanted everyone to know that we will carry your energy with us today. For those who are not physically with us today- know that your thoughts and good wishes are being felt and we are thankful to have you in our lives. The memorial service will be a time to celebrate Robert and the "power of the people". Love to all.

July 21st

Today is the saddest day of our journey and I cannot seem to find the words to tell why. There seems no other way to say it. Robert died early this morning and our hearts are filled with grief and also with some sense of relief that he has now found peace. I know that he is peaceful and believe that we too will find peace again. For all those who loved Robert - there will forever be a place in our hearts that he lives in. He lived well, we had fun, and we are blessed to have had him in our lives for as long as we did.
I thank you again for your support that has helped to carry us through this journey. I thank you for your continued support as we strive to find our path through the next phase of this journey. There are so many supporters and it is impossible to reach out to individuals to express our gratitude. Please allow me to say a global thank you through this blog that Robert created to stay connected to you. We are blessed to have you.
Considering Robert's wishes and the large number of family, friends, and supporters it seems logistically challenging to accommodate so many for the funeral service. Therefore, we will have a private graveside service for immediate family members only. In the near future - we will hold a memorial service open to the extended number of friends. Until then - we feel your love and support and will hold it close in our hearts. With Love- Tammy

July 20th

It seems odd, but I am not sure how long robert has been at Gilchrist. The days, hours, and minutes seem to pass without recognition of where we are in time. There seems to be less focus on the global concepts of time and a greater focus on the moments in which we find ourselves in. Planning ahead - even hours ahead seems impossible. Without the initiative that others take - it would be impossible.
While the days seem to blend together, there are certain dates that stick in my mind - as they were moments that we knew signified dramatic changes that would forever change all of our lives. The exact changes and the timing of the changes could not be imagined or determined and I now believe that there is a reason for that. There are so many phases that we pass through during this journey and each one brings about its own set of emotions, challenges, and perspectives, and most importantly lessons. If anyone had to try and experience, face, deal with, and process everything that happens over time it would be an overwhelming emotion and sense of loss - that it would knock them down to the ground and keep them down. I believe that we are created with defense mechanisms that only allow us to process and take on as much as we can handle. There is a reason why - when given the diagnosis of Glioblastoma Multiforme Gr. 4 no one tells you what will happen. Now it is happening and I hate what is happening and I am powerless to control it. I am not so self-absorbed to even presume that I should be able to control what is happening to Robert. I believe that it is in God's hands and pray that Robert will find peace and comfort during this next phase of the journey. Trey said it today and I was surprised to hear such a mature and insightful comment spoken by such a young child - "It is nobody's fault." I hope that I can maintain faith throughout this journey that I will travel through for the rest of my life. I hope for everyone to stay focused on the positive thoughts and memories and not to expend energy on the questions of why and the unfairness of the situation. We must try and maintain a positive attitude and uplifted spirit to assist us in finding peace and, courage, and to find the positive lessons to be learned. We love Robert and I know that this would be his message to us. Thanks to all for you support that reminds us each and every day that we are not alone.

The Kinberg family has been deeply touched and continues to appreciate the love and support they have received. The many acts of kindness and good deeds have changed their lives forever. A number of people who have been following Robert’s condition have asked how they can support the family to offset existing and anticipated expenses. I wanted to let you know that Robert’s parents, Betty and Elliot, have set up an account for this purpose. If you would like to contribute, checks will be accepted in Elliot’s name to the following address – 6125 Harbour Overlook, Alpharetta, GA 30005. Contact phone number is 770-751 3813. Anyone who has a current Pay Pal account may send a donation directly to Elliot’s email at ekinberg@bellsouth.net. Please know that the family is thankful for the good wishes, prayers, and positive energy that have been showered upon them and nothing else is expected.

Sincerely,

Neil Weinstein(Cousin of Robert)

July 15th

It is hard to know what to say about what is happening. Robert remains at Gilchrist Hospice Center and that is telling- in and of itself. He went there for symptom management and now the symptom management continues for different reasons. Robert's health has changed dramatically in the two weeks that he has been there. I can not express the details tonight as today has been a very emotional day. The staff at the hospice are doing their best to keep Robert comfortable and pain free. It is obvious - even without test - that the diseases are progressing. Robert still recognizes us and we are thankful for the moments of connectedness that we capture. He is a fighter and our superhero. We pray for peace and comfort. We pray for the people who care for Robert to find the ability to continue to care for those that are so ill and often unable to express their wants and needs. We pray that everyone who supports us will know how powerful their good thoughts and good deeds have been in helping us to find white light during a time of darkness.

July 5th

Today is not July 5th - but I wrote this yesterday so I will post it today. It is July 5th - I have to think about it, but I know because it is our 12th year wedding anniversary. It is surreal. 12 years gone so quickly & yet spent so well. 12 years of love, fun, & good fortune. 12 years of good jobs, traveling, buying a house, & making it our home. 12 years of planning for & having children. Having our boys - the best decision we ever made. The greatest creations we could have ever been blessed with. Robert and I watch/listen (to) them with awe, spend time with them in amazement of their character, and love them with the deepest emotions possible.

Robert is still at Gilchrist Hospice Center. It is difficult to describe/explain how he is doing and I would have to explain hour by hour. We will treasure the joyous moments and work through the difficult moments. I celebrated today as any other really - Soaking in the precious moments and rationalizing the difficult circumstances that we find ourselves in - remembering the great memories and recognizing that we have little control over much of what happens. This is true for all of us. It is just that this lesson has been highlighted for us during our journey through this illness. May we all celebrate LIFE.

July 2nd

I wish that I knew what to report. What I do know is that we can not predict when Robert will come home and we will take it day by day. Medications are still being adjusted and Robert is being well taken care of. We are trying to find a balance of being here and there. I know that we made the right decision to go there and yet is seems that in some ways we don't belong there. It is the timing that I struggle to make sense of. We were going to Hopkins for treatment on a Thursday and went into the Hospice Center on Fri. There is no explanation for any of this - so I don't know why I would expect to have any understanding of the progression of Robert's illness. I am not focused on this all of the time. If anything this experience has taught us that it is the quality of time that matters over everything else. The Hospice Center has a beautiful garden and fish pond and we are thankful for the beautiful setting. It is difficult not all being together all of the time - but we know that we have to make decisions that are best for all of us - even when they are difficult. Our focus must be on the moments together - regardless of the setting. The highlights of the day were - All of us laughing together, Robert kissing us and telling us that he loves us. These are the events that we must hold in our hearts and that will help us to stand strong in the moments of despair. As always we thank you all for support that keeps our spirits high.

June 29th

It is difficult to describe what is happening anymore. My focus is not what is happening or why it is happenig - but HOW it is happening. Robert continues to struggle with the symptoms related to brain tumors. The details are not as important as the impact that it has on Robert and all of those who love him. Each day seems to bring increased and new challenges that force us to find strength from deep within to confront and handle. Honestly - I hate what is happening and there seems to be little we can do to stop it. Our attention now is on regulating medications to help Robert to feel better. We are currently staying at the Gilchrist Inpatient Center (Hospice)to work with the doctors to find the right types & dosages of medications to help Robert. We have been here since late Friday night and will hopefully be home within a couple of days. Our attention will be on the moments of peace and happiness that come from being together. I reread what I have just written and it sounds negative, but know that we always hold love in our hearts and hope in our souls. It is with the support of you that we feel the possibilities of positive energy at work.

June 24th

It is difficult to know what to write anymore. So much seems to happen within each day and it is difficult to find the time to do anything else unrelated to taking care of each other. I made a comment the other day, "Today is a good day" and then I realized that this is not necessarily a complete truth or perhaps we often think of this statement incorrectly. It is not the day that determines whether a day is 'good' or 'bad'. It is not as if we know that Fridays will be 'good' just because of the fact that it is Friday. Isn't the day good just because of the fact that is has arrived? Isn't it our perspective of the day that determines whether it is 'good' or not? We all know that events of the day- make some days feel better and easier then others. We can not deny that some moments have more powerful emotions of comfort or discomfort and it is undeniable that we will feel the effects of different events differently. What I am trying to comprehend and focus on is that - the days that seem 'bad' hold powerful lessons that we must use to help us to appreciate the 'good' moments that happen later - even within the same day. No day is full of 'good' or 'bad'.
Robert is well under the circumstances and it is difficult to explain the changes that occur when suffering from brain tumors, lymphoma, and the effects of medications and treatments. The difference is this - It is one thing to know that you have brain cancer - It is another thing to see it happen - and now we are seeing it happen. Robert is determined, stubborn, and decisive in his fight to complete this week of brain radiation. Chest radiation was complete last week. Last week we had to stop the oral chemo and were unable to get the avastin due to results of his blood labs. We hope to continue with avastin again next week. Effects of the diseases that he is battling are making things more challenging. We work to continue to focus on the fact that we will do many of the same things that we have done - but in a different way and with tools to help us. We have added new support people to our team and know that they will take over responsibility with some tasks to free us to focus on being together.
We continue to be thankful for the many people in our lives who think of us. We could not even begin to describe the feelings that we experience when being helped by so many people in so many ways. Please know that our appreciation is present and we may not be able to communicate it directly right now - but we hold it within our hearts.

June 17th

I realize that it has been some time since my last posting and that is only because some days seem to pass with the inability to do everything that seems should be possible. It is not that we are oblivious to the world around us, it is that we are unable to keep up with the world around us. Our focus is taking care of ourselves and trying to maintain energy to fight the fight. I often describe myself as a cartoon character the is 'moving but not going anywhere'. Nothing seems possible these days without the help that we have received from friends & family that have jumped in to do everything from cooking, cleaning, supervising the boys, and spending time with Robert and I to relieve us- to rest and try and catch our breath. We are grateful for the friends who will travel to visit. The friends & family who plan for experiences - for our family- to help us find fun in the days and to build memories to last a lifetime. The friends who organize and execute plans to hold fundraisers to help to find better treatments and a cure for brain cancer. Our awareness of the people who care for us is not lost and we are incredibly grateful to be cared for in ways that make us all appreciative of each other and the relationships that we have.
There are many positive factors involved in this most difficult set of circumstances. Robert will have completed two weeks of brain radiation after tomorrow and the side effects from treatment appear to be less severe then we had imagined. Robert has good days and bad days and it is difficult to determine what causes the bad days/moments. I am convinced that it is a combination of factors that impact his well- being. The harsh radiation, the multiple medications, and the effects of tumors? Robert is well under the circumstances and he is the most couragous person I know.
We are focusd on each day as it arrives and recognize the importance of grabbing onto the moments of simple pleasures, moments of connectedness, and moments of interaction. A smile, a laugh, a roll of the eyes, a kiss, a hug holding hand, and lying together communicate more then any words. We are grateful for opportunities.
The boys are remarkable and Robert and I are amazed by them everyday. They handle the changes with a courage that is hard to imagine is possible from children who are so young and developmentally (apparently) self-centered. I know that they are scared and we can not take that away. We talk often about what is happening and they accept it without frustration, anger, or resentment. They love - just to love. I am sad for what has changed, but we work to do the same things in a different way. They drive me to find the -new new normal- and we all benefit from it. We have much to learn from children.
Thanks!

June 7th

Robert has had a good weekend and we took time to play card games and video games with the boys. Those moments when we are all awake at the same time, together, and able to have interaction are the most precious moments for all for us. It is difficult to comprehend the many changes that have occurred over the last two months and we are doing our best to focus on the moments that happen now - instead of looking back at what has changed and is missing.
The moments when we hear words of encouragement, the moments that we are given hugs, the moments that we read notes of hope, and the moments that we are allowed to share our story give us strength to deal with the pain. The moments that the boys are being entertained and loved, gives us time to sort through and deal with the logistics. Knowing that so many people care has given us the ability stay energized when we felt that there was no possible way to find energy to keep moving forward. We carry all of the good wishes and positive energy with us and each time we go to the hospital we are honored to have you traveling with us. We know that we are not alone and it is comforting. Thank you.

June 4th

I sit to write and it seems impossible to know what to say and how to say it. So much has happened over the last two months and our heads and our hearts are spinning. We do our best to get through the long days at the hospital and have energy to get up and do it again the next day. We fight for the energy to play with our boys in the evenings and weekends and are thankful for the many people who help in caring for Bryce and Trey. Forgive us for not responding to your thoughtful notes, comments, e-mails and phone calls. We are so incredibly grateful to know that we are supported by so many and desperately want to thank everyone for the acts of kindness that have been shared with us.
The medical aspects of Robert's diseases are so complex and challenging that is is to much to write about. My emotions are heavy and it is to difficult to describe the details. Robert is very brave and we are doing everything to work through the physical changes and the emotional battles that we are confronted with. Love to all!

May 29th

It does not happen often but I have posted two days in a row. This is because last night I wanted to update quickly about the medical aspect of the situation. Today the focus is both the medical/logistical & emotional aspects of the situation that are grabbing at my head and my heart. Today we have been home most of the day and it is better to be home and yet it is still difficult to relax. Things have changed and are getting harder each day. So much has happened and is happening everyday. I don't mean to sound negative, but it is getting harder to find the positive lessons that come from this horrible disease and the impact that it has on our family. Robert seems lost and I fear that we will lose him. Everything is uncertain and I feel sadness for all of us.
Not all cancers are created equal. I do not mean to take away the devastation and fear that comes with anyone's cancer diagnosis and I wish that no one would ever have to be given the diagnosis. I can only speak from our experience and tell you that brain cancer is a brutal and unforgiving cancer that takes away many abilities of the patient and the family. It is aggressive and relentless in its power to grow and spread rapidly. The comfort of learning that it rarely metastasizes is now over-ridden by the first hand discovery that brain cancer does interfere with patients functioning and independence. If I have anger - I will direct it at the cancers that are fighting against Robert's body.
We will have to continue to work to find another 'new normal' and I know that it is critical in finding peace with the circumstances. Please pray for all of us as we continue to find the strength to fight, thrive, and find peace.

May 28th

This week was more then difficult. Robert had a seizure on Monday and it was an experience that I wish no one would ever have to witness. I can not speak of it to much as it is to raw and I am overwhelmed by emotions when thinking of the moment. We were given information that Robert was hemorrhaging in the brain and it was a devastating complication. We were distraught thinking that we were losing Robert and I can not explain the fear related to this report. After being air lifted to Hopkins we were told that he most likely had not bleed and the MRI done on the following day confirmed this to be true. We will take the bits of really good news and hold on to them as we fight through the most challenging moments. Robert spent one nite in the intensive care unit and Tuesday night on the recovery floor. We were discharged last night and returned today for three appointments including radiation to the chest and a ritukan drip to treat the lymphoma.
We still have so many unanswered question and are trying to push forward. Thanks to everyone for the good wishes.

May 21st

We just got home from the hospital were Robert got his second round of Ritukan to treat the lymphoma. It went well and he was able to maintain a scheduled increase of the medication over time without any reaction. The IV drip took about three hours and we were away from home for only five hours total. This was much better then last weeks session which lasted about 6 1/2 hours. Having to go the the chemo treatment area of the hospital adds a new dynamic to the medical experience.
We met with the neuro-oncologist on Monday and the conversation was extensive and involved. So much was discussed and it is probably not necessary to provide every detail, but this is the information and proposed course of treatment. The MRI showed some improvement in the size of the brain tumors and this is remarkable since he has only received one dose of avastin and it is a drug that is primarily given to reduce inflammation - not shrink tumor. He bad news is that they have found a brain bleed. They think that is was caused from the brain biopsy and not the avastin. This is important because avastin can cause hemorrhaging even if not common. We will have a CAT scan next week to determine if it is growing and then determine if we can proceed with the avastin. Please pray for the 'go ahead' to get the avastin - it is important when receiving radiation. Hopefully avastin will be given next week and the radiation and oral chemo will be administered the week behind that.
We continue to be thankful for the many, many people who give of themselves to give to us.